There I go again. I blow up and keep putting the things I hold dearest at biggest risk. Self destructive tendencies. I really need help. I wonder if subconciously I'm just trying to test how far it'll go before it breaks. Maybe I just want to confirm that truly nobody can love this person here. Maybe I want to be like House. You know, M.D. House. Brillant but lonely. Smart but misunderstood. But no larh, won't go as far to say I'm smart. Besides he's just a character on tv.
It's just nice to be needed. Wanted. but the world doesn't stop for me. perhaps no one will know if I'm gone. Would you? A search for significance. A search for love. A search for something.
I don't know the right answers anymore. I don't know the right response. Keep it in and destroy the trust. Let it out and destroy the peace. Be happy and forgotten. Be sad and despised. At the end of the day, be alone.
"to know that my being here made a difference" said an old man dying in pain on a hospital bed. "I just want to talk" said a lady who was raped. I love this episode of House. I'm glad I stayed up to watch it. "Because you hurt too..."
Melodramatic I am... Indulgent maybe. Can't stand it? Then sorry. Perhaps you're at the wrong room. You can also leave, the door is open.
Days like these and I wonder if anybody cares. Enough to call. Enough to msg. Enough to sit with me and talk about the weather. Enough to put a hand on my shoulder. Enough to spend a little time. Enough to figure me out. Enough to want to come in.
"Why do you want me?" "I don't know." More of House again.
Why is everyone so dismissive of my sorrow. All in the head. Its my own responsibility. Thanks. Everyone has the same problems. Etc. Sounds nice, even right. But its all just philosophy for I don't care that much.
Why all the hypocrisy. All the pretence. Thats all they ever do...
My God cares for me. I only wish you would care half as much. You think you do? Oh, I wish I could show you how wrong you are. But I do hope you're right and I'm wrong though.
Tired of typing it out... If you wanna know then talk to me. I dare you to. I dare you to try to be a real friend. I dare you to keep trying even if you fail initially. hehz... I'm going nuts. I'm perhaps the hardest person on earth to love, to be a friend to. Any takers?
