Almost 2 years plus... 250 over post...

and this place is coming to an end...

I'm moving all the serious stuff off here... occasionally I might still update my life here... but no longer will I show myself here...

The real me is going to another site... if you seriously wanna know... then ask... though I doubt many would... search for it if you think you're capable of finding it...

haiz~ It didn't have to be this way... but you guys have betrayed my honesty and trust...

gd bye...

I've been knocked up all over... Physically, mentally, spiritually.

Haiz~ won't you talk to me?

First dream of 2008 and I really wanted to log this before leaving the house.

"I saw her and her brother at the arcade. I met them just before the racing machine. She was excited and all smiles. She eagerly said, "Hey! Look at my necklace and how it spins." She happily took off the heart shaped necklace she always wore. She seemed younger than I had remembered. She placed the ends of the necklace, made of interloping metal links, in one hand and her other gently supporting the heart shaped pendent in the middle. She showed how as you shorten the chainlink and then gently pulled it, the heart shaped pendent would then twirl around.

"see?" She squeaked in her cute, excited voice.

I missed it. truth be told. I gave her that incredulous, 'so-what' look. She scrunched up her lips and stuck out her tongue.

Taking the necklace into my own hands, I tried it for myself. And I saw it. Just the last half turn, where the pendent turned halfway. I told her I finally saw what fascinated her, my words falling on her back as she sat down at the racing arcade machine.

"I have to go" I reluctantly said. She signaled to her brother 'soccer?' and her brother nodded in reply.

I fumbled to get the two ends in my hands and then gently wrapped the necklace around her neck. I struggled for a while with the clasp before succeeding in securing the piece. As I tried to straighten up, the rather long, loose end of the clasp had caught unto my shirt pocket. We both chuckled at that as I dislodged the metal bit.

She turned and smiled good bye. The eyes that I would remember as yours, that credibly infectious smile. All I remember as I turned and walked out... "


Heh... It was a nice dream. Between my 700 alarm and my 705 alarm. I won't reveal the identity of the mystery girl but the clues as to who she is, is all inside the dream itself. All I can say is that its not who you think it is.

Perhaps it means something, perhaps nothing.

But it was a much better start to 2008.

"I have to go."







hidden messages???

It is a new year. Though I rather not use the word happy.

One year ago, at watchnight I sat in the pews. Watching a story unfold. I still have that picture from then.

One year on, and I've become a participant. Not a position that I like though...

One year later what will happen? who knows?

And it was not a good way to start the new year either. I heard things that made me wonder if you lied to me, Told me things just to patronize me. I explained it away that you probably meant elsewise or that the person got the wrong message. I choose to believe in you. That you at the least, would be truthful.

But nevertheless, it has thrown another mild conflict into my mind. But all that's temporary. I know you. You wouldn't. I trust that...

The last day of 2007 has been one of those take forever to get by kind of day. I only pray that it doesn't happen so often in 2008... Laying in bed thinking of everything about you...

1602... A very important number...









slow and bumpy start to 2008...

Lately, I've learnt a lesson in trust. Trusting in God is not a passive thing. It is not where we do nothing and then let God settle everything. That IS true but not in the way that we say that statement. We have let it become an excuse for not caring, and just to sit back and relax.

Trusting in God should mean that we no longer trust our ways but trust in His ways. Meaning we follow His plans. And following His plans is not a passive, 'do-nothing' kinda thing, but an proactive approach. First to seek what God wants to do, then to do what His plans are. If He says to do nothing, then do nothing. If He says to do something, then by all means do it!

Saying we trust in God to make it beautiful doesn't mean we should just do whatever we want and let God clean up behind us. While He can and He will do that, He surely has a better plan and a more beautiful way. Lets not limit God to only being able to work when things are messed up by us. A friend said it well. "Being disobedient doesn't alter God's love for us. But it does make us go a bigger loop before receiving what God has installed for us."

I admit this is hardest of all. To know what God wants and to do what He wants. And its crazy, especially if its something that the world will sneer at.

But trusting God means finding His assurance and His peace even as we do what He has planned. And when it gets difficult, to trust in Him more. To lean upon His strength and not our own. To know that He will work through us, and also through other vessels and methods.

Trusting God is a hard thing for a fallible human to do. Yet it can only be the most beautiful thing to do. Who am I, but a vapor in the wind? A speck in the cosmos? Yet the Creator of all things would mark me and set me apart.

Lord, help me know Your will. And to trust You for it. Amen








trust in 2008

Today its harder. Much harder. The cries of a lonely night.

I feel strained to my limit. I don't think I can give any more.

But yet I must remember I relie on only One.

He alone completes me.

Though my heart yearns, He will understand.

In His time, He will make all things beautiful.

In His time, He will make you even more beautiful.

I must see beyond the today and the now. For with everything related to God, its always about an eternity.

So as I grow myself for your sake, so I would remember that the ultimate goal is Him.

I cannot live my life thinking only of now.

I must remember an eternity exist, that tomorrow is not too far away.

God made you a treasure, don't just give your heart away to someone who's not meant to have it for all eternity.

Don't ruin the pearl before it forms.

Tonight I reach my limits.

Only Your grace is enough.

And I will live on, to love another day.

What can I do or say to let you know that you're special to me. More than just another person.

God grant me your grace.






special one...

Cell Dinner was a blast. And I believed everyone who ate the salad is still alive. So that's a good sign...

Games was pretty fun too.... The forfeits were... interesting... Heh

I feel a little off now. Gut instincts are telling me something. But I could be wrong. It seems I am mostly correct and only I truly doubt myself. Maybe I'll find out...

I feel blue.

At least my nails look pretty. Hah (So wrong, I will not say that again)

I finally remember the line I was trying to remember yst, from the song from enchanted. Its not good enough to take the one you love for granted. Heh... Been listening to a lot of the enchanted OST.

I'm halfway thru my book. And I reached this wonderful chapter. Hard to say it out here. But something about guarding your heart for the person that you'll spend the rest of your life with. Of course this was written for ladies, but in the middle they had a portion on what Godly men look for in a woman. They gave the illustration that every woman is a pearl. And a real man would not seek to attain the pearl prematurely. But to wait for God's timing, and to wait patiently till she would give the prize willingly. And then to cherish that prize forever.

If a relationship is not intended for forever, then every short term relationship we have just serves to tear out bits of us. Damaging the prize for the one who should truly receive it. Faithfulness begins even before you meet the person. Preparing for the day that God will bring that person in.

I love this book. Realistic yet beautiful. The way it should be. It should always make sense, yet give the idea that there is a perfect picture for everything.

I give a quote from the book that I thought was rather interesting, "If I'm interested in a girl, it may be frustratin if she doesn't fall for me right away, but deep down I am all the more intrigued be the challenge of winning her heart." I mean, if you look at this the right way, its like pretty 'wow'.

The book says a lot lot more. So it might seem its a bit lopsided based on what I've given here, but the book balances it out pretty well. A lot of food for thought.








love is in the giving...

I did my trial test of the caesar salad. And I tell you I almost died when I ate it. It was heavenly. Wahahahah:D (self praise is international disgrace) No larh. It was good. It was edible (important first criteria) and it tasted like how I thought caesar salad should taste like. A few improvements to make but it should be fine. I love cooking. Its rather fun :) Best is when you taste your own cooking or you see other people eat it and their eyes go big and they like it :) So a pretty full afternoon tomorrow preparing the croutons and stuff... but think I'm going to need a super BIG bowl considering the amount I ate.

So as I was eating my home made caesar salad, I watch "Must Love Dogs" which I rented from ezy video. I love this show. The characters are super kooky. Jake and Sarah. And I guess Romantic movies have the same effect on me. Hm... I liked it when Jake said, while describing his image of Sarah "... she's a mess. It's lovely." Something like that. "Moment of connection."

Of course the morals for the show leave a lot to be desired for. But I still love the romantic notions of love. It paints a beautiful picture. But I guess my Father's picture is way way better. I guess the works of our hands (movies, books, paintings, etc. ) give but a small little glimpse of the beauty side of love. "The sweeter song" as a book called it. Have we traded the most beautiful side of love for a cheap image of it?

"How does she know that you love her?" Not take her for granted. Little things. Finding new ways to tell her. A little everyday.

Okay... I'm beginning to lose my coherency. Shall hit the sack, for a new day is dawning~!!







toss, toss, toss...

I'm in neutral now. Things weighing down on both sides has pushed me into the admittance of a neutral state. I cannot bring myself to say okay because I ain't truly alright. Neither can I being myself to say I'm depressed because there has been good things as well. So I'm forced into a state of neutrality.

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. And I can't seem to find the answers. Not within me anyway. Maybe from an outside source bah. Ministry. Person. God. I'm scared to follow through in case I'm wrong, in case I be called a fool.

But before I forget. I really wanna thank God for my academics. I think its a mini miracle really. and in itself, I'm happy. But seeing others kinda take the edge of it a bit.

I'm glad the house is empty today. I can make as much noise as I want. Rather than to be quiet. I can talk to myself. Then at least the silence will be chased away, and I can talk about the stuff I wanna talk about.

I realised emo-alpha doesn't really like happy-alpha. Seems weird to him, the way that happy-alpha is. As for me, I don't really know which alpha I prefer. Maybe its just because I don't see a lot of happy-alpha so it seems a little weird on hindsight. So for people who have seen my smile and laugh a lot, its a privilege hor~ Even I don't find that often...

Am not sad, am not happy. In between. A state of neutrality.

*edit*

Something has tipped the balance. I'm leaning towards happy now. Why? Its kinda complicated.
Ask me and see if I can explain it. hehz:P

Hope you had a blast of a day.






balancing act...

Its a quiet thursday with nothing much happening. It was a nice and lovely day. Time to just do stuff. I packed my room somewhat. If I tell you the reason for my sudden cleanliness impulse, I bet you you'll laugh.

It was not the only impulse today. I had many ideas coming into my mind. A lot about ministry. Some about people. Some very nice. Some really stupid. Hahah. I wonder if I'll do them all. Who knows?

Love actually was just showing. Its a fun show to watch. Laughing to myself and the television screen. A prime minister who searches the streets. A guy who learns another language and flies to another country. A little boy bursting through airport security. And of course the guy who fell in love with keira knightly but was too late. "without hope or agenda" Haiz~ what words to have. Christmas day~ "Its the day you tell the truth..." Something like that...

I love the songs too.
All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey)

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas
Is you...

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you...
You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
You...

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want him for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is
You

All I want for Christmas is you baby
[repeat]

And then the little boy's face was quite funny at the end of this nice song.

One more...
Both Sides Now (Joni Mitchell)

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all

I believe this was the song that played as keira knightley's character found out that the guy liked her. With the whole videotape and stuff. "but you never talked to me!" That teaches you to be careful about what you leave lying around even if its just at home. Wahaha:D

Haiz~ results...









love actually is everywhere...

Bad dreams, getting waken up abruptly to buy dinner, listening to sad songs, and cold fries, make it real easy to be emo.
So I am now emo.

I've got questions. Selfish questions I guess. I've got stuff to say. Personal stuff.
I don't know how to handle these. Shall go figure.

uncertainties are trying to wreck me. Hard work is fine, uncertainty is unsettling. Who likes to work without knowing what will happen. Yet, it is my joy to do so. I do wish to know what will happen but thats near impossible. So I work on faith and trust. They shall be my fuel.

Haiz~ talk to me tomorrow. Out of sorts right now... Tomorrow the emo-ness will pass though the thoughts remain. Smilez all around.

*edit*

A bit of cartoon and soccer helped quite a bit...
Go Manchester! If I like something, I usually wear it on my sleeve, wahaha. But I haven't gotten the newest jersey yet... > < over 100 dollars... and this month isn't the month to try and start saving for it...

I realised lately I keep editing my post. Not like an add-on. But as in actually edit the wordings for the originals without indicating it. So if you come back like an hour or so later, you might actually find my original posts getting a re-phrase. heheh. Try to make sure I don't say things wrongly... So it'll pay to re-read again for changes! hahahz

Tired, but not so keen on sleeping. Sleeping has been a little whacked for me lately. Can't get to like just sleep as much as I want. Always falling short... Don't know why.




Hiding...

My mind is not where I'm at.

I wonder what is going through that mind.

I wonder if I'll ever know.

But I wait.

Because that's all I can do.

To let you know I'm waiting

aWith my hand out-stretched.

To share the burden of your thoughts.

don't let me wait too long, lest i think you've forgotten...

But I know you won't.

so here I stand,

waiting.





corner of the street...